Monday, June 9, 2008
When I was a little girl probably no more then 9,I loved doll houses. I never was a fan of playing with dolls but I loved doll houses. I would spend hours rearranging the furniture, those little plastic miniaturized versions of furniture as well as the ones painted on the inside walls. I was bound and determined somehow I would find a way to take those pieces painted off the walls so I can really make the place House Beautiful or worthy of HGTV. Of course it never happened, but what I know that it did helped me stretch my imagination and creativity to become what I can do best today. But clearly then, (though I know ones would forgive me), that I was in denial. but what would a 9 year old girl know about denial?
But today, as a full board certified grown woman I know as probably the majority of us do, on some level when we know we are in denial of something. Today while in my head I think I have a wonderful voice and could sing like Patti Labelle or Minnie Riperton, the reality is my voice is more like a wildebeest in heat then either one of these divas. Please understand I am not being cruel to myself. I've recorded my voice and when you roll over and fall off the bed in laughter, you know that it is pretty bad. There are a few tunes I can do a decent job on, but the reality the chances of my getting a recording contract are slim to zero.
So I am not in denial of my skills. But it does not stop me from singing out loud, I am simply merciful to others that when I do I am completely alone. My denial would come if I decided I could try out for American Idol or some other show and even after I am told, saw the video, dogs start to howl, the car alarm goes off and people fled the scene to continue on this path.
All the heart, soul & belief in the world is not going to change what is.
And so we should consider that about being in "Dey Nile" (and I am not talking about the river in Egypt). At some point or another we have done it as truth can indeed be painful and especially if it is something that we want so badly to be if we are getting something out of it that we need. But most of us do not spend our entire lives in denial, setting up scenarios, events or people causing trouble, pain & disappointments in ourselves and others because we have held on to a belief system which probably in the beginning was not true or even if it was that we no longer are at.
But sometimes there are some of us who hold onto the lie for dear life as we see it as all we have, even when the denial is killing us literally, figuratively or spiritually. And we end up creating conditions that would pile up that belief. I would suspect that at one time or another we've all done it even when no one else knows & if the only person we are impair is us. There are some who expend tremendous energy & thought into this joint, a party with no guest and even the host wants to leave.. But we can plug it up, reject and redirect that energy to having a magnificent soirée replete with impressive food, splendid music, brilliant company with lofty conversation if one chooses.
However those who thrive and live to being martyrs are bent on finding where it doesn't exist, scenario of attacks or people out to get them because they have this huge reservoir of necessary suffering they need to keep filled first because they believed the lie & secondly, they may not know what else there is to do. Though to the contrary there is so much abundance it could fill us up for several lifetimes.
Now don't mistake, I am a board certified dreamer. I think it is wonderful to indulge in creative license. But I do know when I am living in the moment, in reality and know the difference between the two. But then you see others (and it appears to me the ones who are hurting the worst) pride themselves in dealing with "reality" when their reality very well could be a lie, of being in denial. And somehow their saying they "only" dealing with reality is said with a certain amount of piety and that reality is painful and one must suffer. But reality is also a beautiful thing & does not have to hurt one lil bit.
And I will take the risk here to venture that sometimes denial can be a protection particularly when there has been far too much audio graffiti. When you were assailed as a child denying your beauty and humanity, or as an adult when people howl, harm and hurt with all sorts of things that can be indescribable, denial can be a buffer and a protection to keep you breathing and functioning until you can clear away the suffering.
To a point.
Then denial can end up being that albatross, an anvil that will drag you, hold you down imprison you. It can deny you of your humanity and a whole wonderful world that can nourish and give provisions that you may not know are there until you face yourself. And then discover that facing you can be a absolutely wonderful place and a wonderful person to be.
So when you see yourself floating on a barge down the Nile eating grapes or as the 9 year old me happily engaged in rearranging the painted wall furniture in the doll house, know that one day you could be a extraordinary human being or in my case a pretty good artist and designing the furniture in real life that used to be on that wall.
Now how cool is that?
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