Nothing harder then a Mother's Grief

Water at the Pier (Joshua's favorite beach) photographJHM©08All rights reserved

Today s somewhat of a teary day for me as it would have been my son Donovan Perri's 37th birthday had he lived. And tomorrow would have been my son Joshua Marion-Roi's 34th birthday.

So I am somewhat teary today as I need to be still and grieve. Donovan died at 2 months of SIDS and Joshua drowned at age 7. I am as ok as one can be but still there is the anniversary grief.

Joshua who lived longer I knew would have been a wonderful man. He was already at a young age, smart, funny, adventuresome full of life. His favorite song which he always sung with a lisp was Wild Things. He loved the movie Star Wars and was physically very strong with powerful legs and used to when I was in college go in the weight room with the football players and work out as much as a 7 year old could. He had been a good swimmer but the water was so cold when we jumped in to pull him out. He had his frog in his hands when he died.

My son had gone into my landlady's unprotected pool to check on his frog when it happened.

I saw the best & the worst of people during that time. The football players were sadden when he died, the firefighters & paramedics wept when they could not revive him. The school and my landlady manuever things quickly so they would not have to take responsibility for their negligence. I received horrible letter from people who did not know my son or me telling me I deserved this and yet at the same time it was one of the largest turnout for his funeral. People still today speak of memories of Joshua. It weren't a lot of people who have fond memories of him.

Donovan though only 2 months old was a sweet baby.

Joshua died Nov 12 and his ashes was flown out to sea on my wedding anniversary Nov 22nd which ironically was also the day JFK was assainated so it is always there. Donovan died on January 15th which is the MLK observation. So the reminders are always there.

Joshua was the spitting image of his maternal great-grandmother, grandmother & I except a boy. My grandosn Chance and granddaughter Mea looks like him.

No mother should ever have to lose a child let alone two and no one should ever say to a mother to get over. There is no over to it. But you find a space and a place to put it so you can go on living, loving & find a new way to have peace

I wrote this poem about them a few years ago:

Gardenias and Lilies
©01

I have gardenias and lilies to enfold you…

And relish in fragrant clouds girdling us, more composed then an early morn …

In the temples of Tunisia.

Or the cooling caverns of Carlsbad.

Memories more vivid then the complexions of Santiago…

Kuba…

At the zenith of Zaire.

So are my memories of that tempo…

While we were still at once…

My mind’s eye wanders and receives…

The heart expanse follows my North Star.

My yearning strains…O Wandering Moon!

Splendid, glorious orbs emanating a sumptuous blaze!

On a backdrop…So deep and rich.

While I desire to be…I forget not.

Those twenty years of nights…Of thine to me.

I kneel in Rosas Blanca…

Amidst a silky canopy.

Intertwined redolent reflections of gladness…

And long ago sadness.

To know my sorrow is to declare…

Missing you...

Missing you…

Missing you.

And the flowers would weep indeed!

For the life I threw away was one I needed to.

But not you…

Never you.

As my sojourn reconvenes…

I’ll take shards of you with me.

And leave crystal fragments of me behind.

O cultivates the fruits of your yearnings.

Placing the harvest in an urn…

Marking it Graceful Manners.

I have, please,I recalled placing in a special vase…

All recollected musings.Keeping it safe with supremeness…

And leniency…

In a vial of gardenias and lilies…

That will forever more..

Always reside with you.

All rights reserved JHM© 10-14-01