It's been a struggle for several months of trying to cope with how to preserve & survive when there is no income, when you have people who seem to thrive on exploitation, indifference, selfishness and (yes I said it) downright idiocy.
What does one do when people renege on their agreements, not out of inability to care for it, but just blithely go along totally unconcerned about how their actions can cause harm (sometimes minor) other times major that can affect your ability to even maintain shelter, sleep or peace of mind...
What do you do?
Well sometimes that answer that you think should be on the surface appears to be however to be blowing in the wind.
And it gets tiresome, mind-numbing and paralytic.
A wise New Yorker who I love her witticisms said last week:
"Opportunities do not come in door size--they come in window size. You have to maneuver your way through that window because if the hinge breaks and it shuts on you, it can crush you". Denise Feistymama
It is now about how to maneuver so one cannot be crushed. "cept sometimes the energy or the strength is no longer there to maneuver.
No I am not depressed; just tired & right now today things look bleak.
Those people who have renege on their obligations have caused a situation that was already tenuous at best to crumble even more. I cannot even pay for shelter because of this disregard for obligations. Seems I've been here before like there is this big old rubber band that I cannot find where it is attached on my body, that I can get just so far and then POW, you get snatched back...
Yes it is my responsibility, its my life; I've heard every justification under the sun & you know what y'all? It ain't helping!
Again I say this is not a situation(s) where there is an inability to pay but part of the "if its not happening to me, it is not happening" mentality... And I am the one paying for it. It energy, drive, determination & will was money, I would rival Winfrey, Gates and a host of others in wealth.
An example of this is being chewed out by someone who has more then one occasion has "reminded" of seemingly (or being a legend in her own mind) of my "failure" to provide for myself and her success in doing the same. Her purpose was clear...
She didn't get the response she wanted from me...
This is not someone who I have counted in as a friend yet; it is unfortunately someone I cannot avoid because of proximity. She had attempted to befriend me several months ago right before I went in for surgery and I thought she would have been a new friend who in some way shared a commonality because she also had some health challenges. And I naively believed we could be of a mutual support.
But I see now that she was one of those who has an uncanny instinct to ferret out ones who seem vulnerable to feast upon their trials not for support but to bolster herself.
So yesterday, I fired her.
She made a huge mistake in underestimating that no matter how vulnerable I may seem at the moment, I do have a strong core of healthy self-esteem. I am always open to giving people the benefit of the doubt especially when you are first getting to know someone, but then after awhile there is no mistake...
So despite her way to go, despite others who have a lack of regard...
And all the evidence to the contrary, there is always a way out of no way! Sometimes it is just harder to find it then others...
Tell that to my landlord that I will find a way; tell that when you have to maintain even the basics with nothing but air, hope & prayer. People won't listen let alone HEAR you because if it is not happening to them; it is not happening.
So as my very smart & savvy New Yorker friend also say:
"I never get over most things but I learn to get around them."-Denise Feistymama
And that is what I must do today, tomorrow & the next.
As a sidebar, a silver sliver, I submitted several of my poems to O magazine who put a call out for original poetry for their April 2011 issue. This was on impulse yesterday evening, listening to my gut..
Everything has a beginning & an end... So I will end this now, so I can focus on what I need, I must do.
You're never beaten until you admit it.~George S. Patton
You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.~Unknown Author
You don't realize how strong a person really is until you see them at their weakest moment.~Unknown Author