Yesterday I thought tI had fallen asleep for the night only to discover that what I had done was taken a long deep nap. I woke up at 8:30p wondering why it was so dark outside for it to be morning ? I sat rather laid there as usual being still and thinking while waiting for daylight, bu it did not happened. Then I became puzzled and honestly a bit confused & unsettled. I realize having move to a new area of the country that daybreak is a little later, but it should not had been that dark if it was indeed morning.
Nothing told me to check the time and when I finally did it added to my confusion as it said 8:30, but I filed to see the PM.
When I guess was lucid enough to realize I had not slept the night but in essence took a long hard nap that I felt better though some residual part of me was still out of sort. I now know that what happened to me is not uncommon, but it was still unsettling. But now that I was more oriendted and gotten over that it was not morning, I got up and then was struck with one word to write about: Tranformation and considering my burgeoning fascination with French: métamorphose (beautiful eh?)
I wrote the following which was part of an introduction text::
Thesaurus: shift, translation, transmutation
· 1. the act of transforming or the state of being transformed
· 2. a marked change in appearance or character, especially one for the better
· the replacement of the variables in an algebraic expression by their values in terms of another set of variables;
· a mapping of one space onto another or onto itself;
· a function that changes the position or direction of the axes of a coordinate system
2008 has been a decisive year for me.
If I knew back in January what was to transpired I would have been fraught with fear, shivering/quivering in my figurative boots. Would I have frozen like a deer caught in the headlights and paralyzed to move? Perhaps, but this was one of those times when ignorance was indeed bliss.
I've not been a fan of surprises or unexpected curves which may seem strange to people who know me as I work purely improvisational, very organic but usually I am in a in the driver's seat. Perhaps because I trust myself well enough when I am working improvisationally that the outcome should and would be what it is maybe the paramount reason why my new beginnings this year came out as well as it did despite all the turns and twists...
Two weeks ago I became a grandmother for the 8th time, the first for my son. The day before I moved into a tiny studio up in a lovely, peaceful scenic hills after moving clear across country to live in Oregon.
As a visual artist & poet it suited me just find. I have yet though in time I will, intergrate myself into this very eclectic, culturally rich communtiy as I need time to be still and allow my transformation to continue, to process what I have learned thus far.
I have not had much of an opportunity to visit here over the last few months because I have crisscrossed, full circle twice around this country, photographing places I had never seen, reuniting & with people I have had a long over 3 decades of history with while relinquishing some people and somethings along the way.
Some of the time, I did not think I would be able to breathe and it does not mean that everything was bad or handle badly. But you know what, I DID breathe and I did handle things well and what I could not I was ok to as I was able to transform some of it and others I left alone.
And in the process I also released some weight. I've expereinced eating raw food & delicious organic food, became a lot more active then I used to be in the last few years and in the process started transforming myself. I had been dreaming a lot this past year and 2-3 reoccuring dreams. I knew my subconscious was talking to me and I needed to take heed.
Which is one of the reasons when I decided it was time to "run away" or more like running to this Great Adventure,come what may that it was time.
I had to trust my instincts. A friend in a discussion made this statement: "I Believe...things...Must Fit Me" This was not said in the light of being self absorbed or smug but how at a critical part of maturity,becoming wiser, we seem to know that having approval or permission or justification for living a fullness is not base on someone else giving it to us. We accquire it by doing it.
So now this is what I am doing. For years I have dreamnt of creating fucntional art as in home furniture among other things as well as write a book. I want to create what I call my Mea*Moona gardens though I have little gardening experience. Well guess what? I will be doing it now in my new studio in the woods
So now here I am and l looking forward to what will happen next and be thrilled beyond measure with what could be. I expect there will be valleys ans well as mountains and won't be up all the time, but as I read in a quote:
"When we walk to the edge of all the light we have and take the step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for us to stand on or we will be taught to fly."
I read something that the producer Qunicy Jones said in a television interview and that was "to dream BIG and even if you only do half of it, that it is still ok"
I am watching a lot of folks and loving the transformative elements that their efforts brought forth. We never ever realy stay the same, not completely and probabably shouldn't. Makeovers are good, but I like "make-up" instead. Making over strikes me as covering over somethting already there rather then making up as in improving. The core of who we are remains stable we tweak ,adjust , refine, mature transform, a marked change in appearance or character, especially the better.
As I have spent the last few days going over, updating deleting things that has been put off for the last several months while I was on the adventure I came acros in several places some of my goals for the year and really was delighted albeit surprised over the one I finish and did it seamlessly and did not take as much work as I initally thought it would be. I was even more surprised which ones I did not do but still can.
So woudn't it could it not be that way for any of us especially when it comes to our individual efforts toward our dreams and aspiration?
Now that I am in the process of métamorphose and see some of that manifesting itself in ways I had least expect to be that just accept it. We can all have that time to appreciate due process, that we can indeed evovle into all that we can become that our efforts will not go unrewarded, simply that it may not come in the manner we expect for it to be.
A change is gonna come, just perhaps not in the way we want or have control over.