Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Way to Mold~Rock this Moon




It is official...

I have now entered the ranks of an elder and THIS moon has prepared to rock the moon!

I do indeed feel different. No it is not euphoria of it being the day I was born,. In fact I have a poster ai had done awhile back from a company where they will go back to the day of your birth + the city you were born in and show you where the moon, the stars and the earth was on the day of your birth, at that precise moment.

My poster reads"She rocks from the day she was born" ...

How appropos! And how funny it was a waxing crescent moon on that date. It amuses me so.

I feel more at peace,or maybe I feel more ME right now. Feeling full with the promise & the possibilities that this 6th decade will yield. And I am not naive to believe there will be the bumps in the roads, people who will not act right coming along the way, I just know that I will be just fine despite them. They will be who they are, I will be who I am...

For those who have yet to each this stage know that it is nothing to dread... It feels really cool.

I am pumped and ready to roll!

Early tomorrow I will probably submit my last post as I will be offline for several days. Those of you who I have been honored with you reading my blogs know I will be having surgery, the 1st move toward rocking the moon.

I love this quote by Bob Marley: ‎'The truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for". ~Bob Marley

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Way to Sow~Doing something extraordinary on an ordinary day


"Where the unusual occurs & miracles happen"~Dwayne Thomas MD CEO 2002 University Hospital,New Orleans, La

My story for today:

Before I had my last visit with the last part of the team I did a couple of things that pleased me to do. The people who yesterday had a change of heart after denying me access to a program that would have covered my medical expenses but in hearing my plight went above and beyond the call of duty.
Because their humanity showed plainly, I decided I wanted to do something in turn for them. I gave all 3 persons a miniaturized framed piece of my art. I got to thinking how hard it must be for them on a daily basis of having to make decisions that can ultimately affect some one's health. And how they probably on more then one occasion they may have been yelled at,curse at , have someone talk about their mama for doing what they have to do (I did not yell at them, but held my ground and my position).

In fact, there were times when I had to stop mid-sentence & be still before continuing. All I could see for a moment was this opportunity being snatched from me. And then in 5 minutes everything shifted.
I told the initial contact person I would not forget her...

And I didn't...
So today before I had my appointment I walked in to present her, her boss & her boss' boss my art "Head in the Clouds". I am happy to say they were touched and said no one had every done something like that for them before. My response then was it was time and what a better person then me?

I am not saying this as a brag, for me it was simply good to do something for someone else even though it could have turn out badly for me yesterday.
I then continued on to my appointment and got a lot of good news and also some poetic justice: First as of now all systems are go now on the surgery. And I have to brag a lil bit here, but my HDL/LDL is doing very well, no diabetes, no high cholesterol. I lost 5 pounds since last week AND my BP is 142/87. Even the GP concurred he has misjudged and notice I had a massive improvement since the last time my liver was checked in Nov and wondered what I was doing. I told him jokingly "been poor" ...

Now seriously...
What has been in my control to change I have... the others well I stomp & fuss a lot, lick my wounds, stomps some more then learn how to surrender. Surrender ain't a bad thing, it means "to yield" which takes conscious, reasonable thought. And something we must concede are bigger then we are. I could not do a lot about (yet) but just like the turtle you just keeping moving steady & consistent.



I've learned to never underestimate what people can & will do or what YOU are capable of doing. Sow the seeds, water, nurture, fertilize and then watch it grow. Some times you have to deadhead so the plant keeps on blooming, sometimes you have to prune it back so it can grow and then others you have to pull it out by the roots and start anew.

As Kenny Rogers in the song The Gambler "Know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away...

I will spare you my attempts to sing it.

Now excuse me while I go and do a happy dance!

Way to (not) Fold~



" Comfort & prosperity have never enriched the world as mush as adversity has. Out of pain & problems has come the sweetest songs & the most gripping stories"~ Billy Graham


Then Mr. Graham I must be Mighty Mouse :=)


As I down in countdown mode for my pending surgery on August 11th & have been running to the hospital everyday for more pre-opt testing, I've had a lot of time sitting there observing other people and looking at myself in all of this.

I've gotten a LOT of "aren't you afraid?" to "how is your spirit today" to even being called by people who have not been exactly supportive or not believing the serious of my condition the last 2 years thinking "if she would ONLY lose some weight" etc when my issue for this surgery is NOT about my weight.


I suspect in some cases their may be some guilt or wanting to have a conscience cleared just in case... (just in case what?).

Because (I am thankful for this) I have a pretty intact, hard-earned level of self esteem, some see me as being without feelings or wanting for a moment to rest or have someone take care of ME for a change, which hasn't exactly been forthcoming.
Yes I am strong but I am also very human with all the accompanying emotions.

Am I scared?
What I would fear more is NOT having the surgery! My body will not withstand much more of where I a right now. For those who may not know I am NOT having batriatic surgery.

I have a very distended hernia that has been the bane of my existence. It has badly encroached on my other organs . It is most definitely not " just a hernia"


Back to topic:


Well I haven't exactly had the time to be afraid as I scurry fro one thing after another prepping for when I come home since I have little to no help available and I have to be able to function as if I do not.

I cannot afford to come home from major surgery and not be able to care for my basic needs as I recuperate let along any of the normal things that has to continue to be done.
When things like this occurred I am very focused and so do know how to prioritize.

I do not have the energy or time to look to the right or to the left, so fear cannot be part of the program..Not now & perhaps not later. But it would be so nice to be cared for, but I have to take care of what I know needs to be done especially when you are operating from air, wish & a prayer.


Trust me when I say I absolutely will let things fold on the wayside as I heal...

I do indeed have a few people with offers.

One of my neighbors will care for my veggie & flower gardens while I am recoup-ping. Another friend who is coming to be with me the day of my surgery to advocate for me if something happens while I am unconscious. Another who will pick up my mail and another who will drive me to the hospital and bring me home afterward when they discharge me.

Still another not in the area who have stepped up paying my utility bills so I can have access to the outside world while I am still w/o income.
Still yet, a few total strangers who have aided me the last few days at the hospital intervening when bureaucratic errors threatened my surgery with a cancellation.

Sometimes money is not required, just a little TLC & recognition of one's humanity is in order.

I am strong but not impervious to hesitation or angst. I am not concrete although unfortunately, some people think if you have emotional & spiritual strength somehow translate to unfeeling or being like concrete.


However it is to the contrary.

I have to trust people who I do not know from the surgeon to the anesthesiologist, to the nurse or the orderly to do their job well. I have to trust many people who are links to my health & well being that they will do their utmost to care for me at a time when I cannot care for myself.


And I have to trust (and I do) that all will be well in the final analysis...

...Now I just to have make sure that my laundry is done and my bed is prep to receive me the day I come home from the hospital... (Moon scribbles on her to do list)


I am looking forward to being able to stand upright and being able to resume walking (well) in a few weeks.

I am looking forward to being able to really handle my cause & care but personally & professionally without impediments.

I am looking forward to being able to put my shoes on w/o it being a major undertaking.

Of being able to laugh w/o having to hold my stomach because it hurts to much.

To be able to sit up and create without it physically hurting me.

To be able to viable in every sense
.

As I have said the alternatives w/o the surgery is what I would be more afraid of. I am not looking forward to being alone in this though I won't be completely alone.

I expect I will have a moment of fear when it is time to roll me into the room, but I am expecting the cute surgeon with the great green eyes to be good at what he does & I will be just fine.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Ears



Photography JHM©10

Several days ago,I wrote this on a day when I was filled literally & figuratively of pretense & a level of selfishness, tackiness & yes even crudity that we are seeing a huge surge of in this country.




And as a disclaimer, No, I am not saying everyone or everyplace, so if the shoe does not fit, you do not have to wear it or make it applicable to yourself. If is only my observation on a day I was too filled...

With so many people having mad crazy distressful times, in my opinion, I see a level that borders on the absurd how people's "me-ism", the selfishness many are displaying, not even being honest with one's self let alone anything else.




Whether we like it or not, whether we can find justification or not to placate to ease our discomfort, we are indeed our brother (and our sisters) keepers good bad or indifferent. We are only as strong as our weakest link & even that weakest link has intelligence, capablilities, strength, fortitude.




What the link needs is a break.

Ears

By JHM ©10

My ears are as raw & full as they will be
So I cannot hear any longer
All the platitudes
About the sun coming out tomorrow
When I am standing in a torrential downpour today...
Those platitudes from flaccid lips
Are attitudes that does not practice what it preaches...
Words that are as vacant as the foreclosed homes
Whose disposed occupants are forced to look elsewhere...
Like the absentee jobs for those over over 50
Female
DIsabled
Or black (among others)...

My ears
are raw & filled ...
There is no more room to hear any longer
When you whisper the words
"The sun will come out tomorrow"
as I stand drenched in the rain today...
Needing an umbrella or the ability to come out of the rain.
Say what you will
DO what you may
But my ears are too full & raw
To hear any longer...
What you have to say.

All rights reserved©7-20-10

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Weigh to Oh... I I didn't know that!

Eggplants with Green Beans "peeking" in!
My 1st "fruit"

Bell Peppers & Eggplants






Cantaloupes... I cannot wait for them to bear fruit!




Cucumbers 7-13-10


While I am now enjoying the beginning fruits of my garden, I've been reading an excellent book entitled "Grub" which gives many amazing facts about the typical American diet. The authors, Anna Leppes & Bryant Terry, two young energetic& compassionate young people, one who is a chef have included in the 3rd section a battery of delicious recipes to use. They are not "food Nazi" not trying to force any way of living on anyone, but bringing some awareness. Bryant Terry, the chef has actually started a program in Brooklyn New York aiding young folks to know where their food is coming from & how to grow what they need even in an urban city like New York.
We know nationwide there are "food deserts". Ebony magazine did a story on it back in May. It is hard to imagine, but know it is happening that there are places where the average young person will not have access to healthy food and knows little about how food is really suppose to taste. And yet we wonder & bemoan the rising obesity among not only older folks but the very young.
Trust me, if I am putting my hands in dirt to grow my own food, in part to save money, but also to know what I am getting in my body, almost anyone can grow even the basics. I have a container garden although I have a large back yard. But because of challenges it is difficult to kneel, so the New Orleans Food & Farm Network, a group of enterprising young folks came and placed 10 containers with all the "fixins'" to start a garden in for me a couple of months ago.
Their belief as in many similar groups around the country is ensuring ones have equal access to healthy food and healthier lives.
I never thought I would see myself with a compost, but composting I am. I've learn the "critters" in the compost is a good sign, but honestly do I have to see them?
At some point post surgery & recovery, I will be able to do more, but for right now I manage a little and reap a lot...
But caring for it is up to me...
Some of the side benefits has done wonders for my stress levels. I've learned how to avoid the worst parts of the New Orleans heat and one day I will be able to grow proper tomatoes. We have here a longer growing season, however certain foods will only grow at certain times. Tomatoes, okra and a few others have 2 growing seasons in a year here as I've come to learn.
Now back to "Grub":

They believe like others that all should have access to healthy food.

So in reading book I've learn some interesting & disturbing facts...

http://www.eatgrub.org/


Did you know:

Among infants & toddlers 1/2 did not eat one single vegetable for lunch & 1/3 will have none at dinner

Only vegetable consumption on the rise is romaine lettuce & bagged lettuce?

1/2 of Americans consume less then 1 serving of fruit a day? Only 1 in 5 eat 5 servings a day...

Our typical diet is causing obesity & obesity related diseases to sky rocket. Our diet is making us sick and is implicated in many disease like cancer & Type 2 diabetes... But there are others...

Only 3 vegetables iceberg lettuce, potatoes (frozen, fresh ) and canned tomatoes constituted nearly half of all vegetables consumed in 2000.

We eat 38% more fats & oils today then in 1970~600 calories more per day with many of them being trans Or "bad" fats.

Average American consumes twice the recommended amount of salt per day...

We are eating 223 pounds of meat per person per year up from 177 pounds in 1970 & all but a tiny percent is raised on factory farms, fed a diet that includes antibiotics & growth hormones?
Fast food companies pays singers & rappers to riff about Big Mac in their hits songs although a
Big Mac hits you with 60% of your maximum daily dose of saturated fats & 30% of your salt intake?
Food & beverage industry marketing to kids in U.S. eats up between 10-12 billion dollars a year enough to provide health insurance for EVER uninsured child in the U.S.?

There are more Americans going hungry every year, 32 million, more then the entire population of Canada although there is enough food to satisfy 2 times the caloric needs for every American.

Farmers' despair is deepening as agri-business are either forcing them out or become modern day serfs. Farmers suicide rates is twice the national average and the 5th leading cause of death in the Midwest.

A lot to take in, eh?

Make no mistake every once in awhile I indulge in a Big Mac maybe once or twice a year...

I think there are creative ways we could all co-exist and provide healthier food for all...

I am happy that this weekend I was able to although a humble beginning to provide a local food bank that was started by a young woman right in her day care for her children whose parents although working people cannot manage to keep much food in the house, some of the fruits of my garden. The owner has started her own garden but I was able to provide her, green beans, eggplants and some herbs as she will need far more then I can consume.

It made me feel good and in some small weigh able to help someone else out...
I am planning later this year to triple the size of my garden & include fruit in the mix.
If you are in the New Orleans area contact the New Orleans Food & Farm Network if you are serious about putting a garden in. They do indeed take donations, but if you are truly unable to pay they will still accomadate you. They are an altruistic group but like any non-profit are always looking for donations to continue their good work.

I will be later donating some artwork to aid them in their fundraising efforts.

Check out info online from these groups too...








And Chef Bryant Terry has released a new book entitled "Soul Vegan Kitchen"


















I read of him in July O magazine where he speaks about traditional soul food and taking it back to its West African roots. I did not know that the typical diet was mostly grain vegetables with little meat except for flavor. And even in slavery while enslaved Africans had to become creative in what they ate, still stuck to those traditions. And while other foods were introduced, the level of work they did prevented what we now, morphing into 2010, from having problems with obesity. Chef Bryant has created numerous delightful foods without losing the soul in the soul food.







"Triumph is always nearest when defeat seems inescapable"

Thursday, June 17, 2010

See the Stars.. Especially in the Darkness


Stoned PhotographyAll Rights reservedJHM10©


Looking Up PhotographyAll Rights reservedJHM10©


Weeping Willows PhotographyAll Rights reservedJHM10©



This is not a good day, but a determined day.
Struggle is not putting it mildly, not an easy thing to bear up although you know it is happening to others. It does not do well for me, to know people are having difficulties to & stand there or turn away. It does not encourage me, but I understand & I have great empathy that there are millions, yes million, in one of the richest countries in the world, that may at moment face homelessness, or no power to stay cool or even the price of bus fare to survive.


I have to care for a personal matter that if not address will reverberate for a long time to come and there seems to be at this moment very little in my power to alter it. What I do know is how to be focused and not look to the right or to the left.


My world is crashing around me. Thank God I had a bit of a respite with seeing the family to restore some of my energy otherwise I might have gone screaming into the wood which would not have been a very pretty sight!I saw this quote ironically on a rerun of the TV show Cold Case upon my return done by a young boy who needlessly died due to an accident, but whose death altered in a huge way two other lives.


Apparently he carried this quote around when he felt the greatest fear & unsure that he could do it.
The quote was by Ralph Waldo Emerson "When it is darkest, man sees the stars"... Of course I have to rephrase it now to say the word "woman". since I am looking upward to find those stars.

I think of a comment in the movies The Color Purple where Celie tells Nettie "I don't know how to fight back... All I know is how to stay alive"

I like many others 12 million strong sell off our belongings as much as we possibly can to stay afloat, I think that this is the worst I've ever seen in a number of years. But I am determined. It has to be done.
As I was making this decision and bemoaning my own fate, I look at a 69 year old woman who lives above me that not unlike me, lost everything and sleeping on the floor, not even a plate to have her meal with or a chair to sit on during the day. I share what I had with her. I am saying in both her case & in mine, we've spent a lifetime working, doing the right thing, raising families, having vibrant lives with family & friends only to find ourselves through no fault of our own in the autumn (or if you prefer-late summer :=) like this.

Yet we are not alone, but right now that is not helping. Not ungrateful nor unappreciative, there is simply a bottom line. I am 10 years HER junior & yet I watch this woman get up everyday with determination & mad chutzpah continue to find a way & I can do no less. I will not find myself at age 70 sleeping on a floor nor anyone else if I can help it.
It makes me think of a quote from Susan Taylor in essence saying one of the worst things in this world is "being old, poor, black & female". Its a hardship no one should wish on another . I do not see myself as old. I cannot afford to get old. But I do know how to fight back even when tired, my determination has not abated, it is simple also knowing when it is time to yield to know when it is indeed bigger then yourself.

Where have we come in this world that we can allow things like this to happen? No, I am not talking about government, nor politics, no matter what side of what the fence, pasture, park, suburb or battlefield you may attest to. I am speaking of us as intelligent, capable, caring, loving human beings who know what we must do.


But will we? Without excuses, justifications or denials?

I can say our collective vision as a community & nation are skewered. When we can leave millions to a dog which has no clue (and I am not beating up on people who love their animals), but we can watch people do w/o the basic substances of the day something is wrong. When someone can call themselves "poor" & "suffering" because they had to put their Jaguar in the shop or watch a neighbor throw away boxes of unopened food in the trash w/o a blink of an eye. Or getting that manicure/pedicure/facial & yet see their fellow man do w/o, something is so wrong.


We have to do better...

I have to do better...

We have to become more conscious of our fellow humans that shares the earth with us.

If my blog does nothing more then inspire someone to see humanity a little different, without judgement, derision, without robbing them of their dignity, then I will be happy in putting this out there.

What I need today at this time in this place is to see the stars and grab a'hold of one of them.
All Rights reservedJHM10©

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Be You.. Be Me...


To be nobody but yourself--in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else-- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.~ EE Cummings, poet





Becoming the person you want to be


Take a look at your priorities and your goals. Where did they come from? Are they the products of soul-searching, self-analysis, and careful planning? Or are they a reaction to pressures from other people? Did you find them within yourself or within the pages of a magazine? The answers to these questions are important because they tell you if the person you're becoming is someone you want to be. Here's another way to look at a goal: do you want it, or do you just think you should want it? It's not easy to follow your own direction in life. But it's more possible than you may think. Question everything. Every priority in your life needs to justify why it's there. If you can't come up with a good reason that actually comes from YOU, maybe it doesn't belong.