Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Way to (not) Fold~

" Comfort & prosperity have never enriched the world as mush as adversity has. Out of pain & problems has come the sweetest songs & the most gripping stories"~ Billy Graham

Then Mr. Graham I must be Mighty Mouse :=)

As I down in countdown mode for my pending surgery on August 11th & have been running to the hospital everyday for more pre-opt testing, I've had a lot of time sitting there observing other people and looking at myself in all of this.

I've gotten a LOT of "aren't you afraid?" to "how is your spirit today" to even being called by people who have not been exactly supportive or not believing the serious of my condition the last 2 years thinking "if she would ONLY lose some weight" etc when my issue for this surgery is NOT about my weight.

I suspect in some cases their may be some guilt or wanting to have a conscience cleared just in case... (just in case what?).

Because (I am thankful for this) I have a pretty intact, hard-earned level of self esteem, some see me as being without feelings or wanting for a moment to rest or have someone take care of ME for a change, which hasn't exactly been forthcoming.
Yes I am strong but I am also very human with all the accompanying emotions.

Am I scared?
What I would fear more is NOT having the surgery! My body will not withstand much more of where I a right now. For those who may not know I am NOT having batriatic surgery.

I have a very distended hernia that has been the bane of my existence. It has badly encroached on my other organs . It is most definitely not " just a hernia"

Back to topic:

Well I haven't exactly had the time to be afraid as I scurry fro one thing after another prepping for when I come home since I have little to no help available and I have to be able to function as if I do not.

I cannot afford to come home from major surgery and not be able to care for my basic needs as I recuperate let along any of the normal things that has to continue to be done.
When things like this occurred I am very focused and so do know how to prioritize.

I do not have the energy or time to look to the right or to the left, so fear cannot be part of the program..Not now & perhaps not later. But it would be so nice to be cared for, but I have to take care of what I know needs to be done especially when you are operating from air, wish & a prayer.

Trust me when I say I absolutely will let things fold on the wayside as I heal...

I do indeed have a few people with offers.

One of my neighbors will care for my veggie & flower gardens while I am recoup-ping. Another friend who is coming to be with me the day of my surgery to advocate for me if something happens while I am unconscious. Another who will pick up my mail and another who will drive me to the hospital and bring me home afterward when they discharge me.

Still another not in the area who have stepped up paying my utility bills so I can have access to the outside world while I am still w/o income.
Still yet, a few total strangers who have aided me the last few days at the hospital intervening when bureaucratic errors threatened my surgery with a cancellation.

Sometimes money is not required, just a little TLC & recognition of one's humanity is in order.

I am strong but not impervious to hesitation or angst. I am not concrete although unfortunately, some people think if you have emotional & spiritual strength somehow translate to unfeeling or being like concrete.

However it is to the contrary.

I have to trust people who I do not know from the surgeon to the anesthesiologist, to the nurse or the orderly to do their job well. I have to trust many people who are links to my health & well being that they will do their utmost to care for me at a time when I cannot care for myself.

And I have to trust (and I do) that all will be well in the final analysis...

...Now I just to have make sure that my laundry is done and my bed is prep to receive me the day I come home from the hospital... (Moon scribbles on her to do list)

I am looking forward to being able to stand upright and being able to resume walking (well) in a few weeks.

I am looking forward to being able to really handle my cause & care but personally & professionally without impediments.

I am looking forward to being able to put my shoes on w/o it being a major undertaking.

Of being able to laugh w/o having to hold my stomach because it hurts to much.

To be able to sit up and create without it physically hurting me.

To be able to viable in every sense

As I have said the alternatives w/o the surgery is what I would be more afraid of. I am not looking forward to being alone in this though I won't be completely alone.

I expect I will have a moment of fear when it is time to roll me into the room, but I am expecting the cute surgeon with the great green eyes to be good at what he does & I will be just fine.

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