Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Way to Mold~Rock this Moon

It is official...

I have now entered the ranks of an elder and THIS moon has prepared to rock the moon!

I do indeed feel different. No it is not euphoria of it being the day I was born,. In fact I have a poster ai had done awhile back from a company where they will go back to the day of your birth + the city you were born in and show you where the moon, the stars and the earth was on the day of your birth, at that precise moment.

My poster reads"She rocks from the day she was born" ...

How appropos! And how funny it was a waxing crescent moon on that date. It amuses me so.

I feel more at peace,or maybe I feel more ME right now. Feeling full with the promise & the possibilities that this 6th decade will yield. And I am not naive to believe there will be the bumps in the roads, people who will not act right coming along the way, I just know that I will be just fine despite them. They will be who they are, I will be who I am...

For those who have yet to each this stage know that it is nothing to dread... It feels really cool.

I am pumped and ready to roll!

Early tomorrow I will probably submit my last post as I will be offline for several days. Those of you who I have been honored with you reading my blogs know I will be having surgery, the 1st move toward rocking the moon.

I love this quote by Bob Marley: ‎'The truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for". ~Bob Marley

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Way to Sow~Doing something extraordinary on an ordinary day

"Where the unusual occurs & miracles happen"~Dwayne Thomas MD CEO 2002 University Hospital,New Orleans, La

My story for today:

Before I had my last visit with the last part of the team I did a couple of things that pleased me to do. The people who yesterday had a change of heart after denying me access to a program that would have covered my medical expenses but in hearing my plight went above and beyond the call of duty.
Because their humanity showed plainly, I decided I wanted to do something in turn for them. I gave all 3 persons a miniaturized framed piece of my art. I got to thinking how hard it must be for them on a daily basis of having to make decisions that can ultimately affect some one's health. And how they probably on more then one occasion they may have been yelled at,curse at , have someone talk about their mama for doing what they have to do (I did not yell at them, but held my ground and my position).

In fact, there were times when I had to stop mid-sentence & be still before continuing. All I could see for a moment was this opportunity being snatched from me. And then in 5 minutes everything shifted.
I told the initial contact person I would not forget her...

And I didn't...
So today before I had my appointment I walked in to present her, her boss & her boss' boss my art "Head in the Clouds". I am happy to say they were touched and said no one had every done something like that for them before. My response then was it was time and what a better person then me?

I am not saying this as a brag, for me it was simply good to do something for someone else even though it could have turn out badly for me yesterday.
I then continued on to my appointment and got a lot of good news and also some poetic justice: First as of now all systems are go now on the surgery. And I have to brag a lil bit here, but my HDL/LDL is doing very well, no diabetes, no high cholesterol. I lost 5 pounds since last week AND my BP is 142/87. Even the GP concurred he has misjudged and notice I had a massive improvement since the last time my liver was checked in Nov and wondered what I was doing. I told him jokingly "been poor" ...

Now seriously...
What has been in my control to change I have... the others well I stomp & fuss a lot, lick my wounds, stomps some more then learn how to surrender. Surrender ain't a bad thing, it means "to yield" which takes conscious, reasonable thought. And something we must concede are bigger then we are. I could not do a lot about (yet) but just like the turtle you just keeping moving steady & consistent.

I've learned to never underestimate what people can & will do or what YOU are capable of doing. Sow the seeds, water, nurture, fertilize and then watch it grow. Some times you have to deadhead so the plant keeps on blooming, sometimes you have to prune it back so it can grow and then others you have to pull it out by the roots and start anew.

As Kenny Rogers in the song The Gambler "Know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away...

I will spare you my attempts to sing it.

Now excuse me while I go and do a happy dance!

Way to (not) Fold~

" Comfort & prosperity have never enriched the world as mush as adversity has. Out of pain & problems has come the sweetest songs & the most gripping stories"~ Billy Graham

Then Mr. Graham I must be Mighty Mouse :=)

As I down in countdown mode for my pending surgery on August 11th & have been running to the hospital everyday for more pre-opt testing, I've had a lot of time sitting there observing other people and looking at myself in all of this.

I've gotten a LOT of "aren't you afraid?" to "how is your spirit today" to even being called by people who have not been exactly supportive or not believing the serious of my condition the last 2 years thinking "if she would ONLY lose some weight" etc when my issue for this surgery is NOT about my weight.

I suspect in some cases their may be some guilt or wanting to have a conscience cleared just in case... (just in case what?).

Because (I am thankful for this) I have a pretty intact, hard-earned level of self esteem, some see me as being without feelings or wanting for a moment to rest or have someone take care of ME for a change, which hasn't exactly been forthcoming.
Yes I am strong but I am also very human with all the accompanying emotions.

Am I scared?
What I would fear more is NOT having the surgery! My body will not withstand much more of where I a right now. For those who may not know I am NOT having batriatic surgery.

I have a very distended hernia that has been the bane of my existence. It has badly encroached on my other organs . It is most definitely not " just a hernia"

Back to topic:

Well I haven't exactly had the time to be afraid as I scurry fro one thing after another prepping for when I come home since I have little to no help available and I have to be able to function as if I do not.

I cannot afford to come home from major surgery and not be able to care for my basic needs as I recuperate let along any of the normal things that has to continue to be done.
When things like this occurred I am very focused and so do know how to prioritize.

I do not have the energy or time to look to the right or to the left, so fear cannot be part of the program..Not now & perhaps not later. But it would be so nice to be cared for, but I have to take care of what I know needs to be done especially when you are operating from air, wish & a prayer.

Trust me when I say I absolutely will let things fold on the wayside as I heal...

I do indeed have a few people with offers.

One of my neighbors will care for my veggie & flower gardens while I am recoup-ping. Another friend who is coming to be with me the day of my surgery to advocate for me if something happens while I am unconscious. Another who will pick up my mail and another who will drive me to the hospital and bring me home afterward when they discharge me.

Still another not in the area who have stepped up paying my utility bills so I can have access to the outside world while I am still w/o income.
Still yet, a few total strangers who have aided me the last few days at the hospital intervening when bureaucratic errors threatened my surgery with a cancellation.

Sometimes money is not required, just a little TLC & recognition of one's humanity is in order.

I am strong but not impervious to hesitation or angst. I am not concrete although unfortunately, some people think if you have emotional & spiritual strength somehow translate to unfeeling or being like concrete.

However it is to the contrary.

I have to trust people who I do not know from the surgeon to the anesthesiologist, to the nurse or the orderly to do their job well. I have to trust many people who are links to my health & well being that they will do their utmost to care for me at a time when I cannot care for myself.

And I have to trust (and I do) that all will be well in the final analysis...

...Now I just to have make sure that my laundry is done and my bed is prep to receive me the day I come home from the hospital... (Moon scribbles on her to do list)

I am looking forward to being able to stand upright and being able to resume walking (well) in a few weeks.

I am looking forward to being able to really handle my cause & care but personally & professionally without impediments.

I am looking forward to being able to put my shoes on w/o it being a major undertaking.

Of being able to laugh w/o having to hold my stomach because it hurts to much.

To be able to sit up and create without it physically hurting me.

To be able to viable in every sense

As I have said the alternatives w/o the surgery is what I would be more afraid of. I am not looking forward to being alone in this though I won't be completely alone.

I expect I will have a moment of fear when it is time to roll me into the room, but I am expecting the cute surgeon with the great green eyes to be good at what he does & I will be just fine.