Sunday, May 10, 2009

And in case I Don't See you: Goodnight, Good Morning,Good Afternoon...

And its been a very good morning my not knowing why getting up, I was smiling .

Something struck a chord with me today as I enjoyed watching CBS Sunday Morning as part of my early Sunday ritual. Unless it was because I am sitting jamming while listening to B.B King documentary live in Montreux & munching on endamane this morning. Or it could have been my waking up at 2am and saw a beautiful full moon smiling behind the pine trees in the southern hills framed by my window.

I got up & grabbed my camera and stood out in the stillness and took pictures. Had I waited even 15 minutes I would have not caught it as when I went back to bed the moon was no longer smiling at me outside my window And then it could have been the sun is shining when I reawaken... Late last night I had a great conversation with my mentor from many years ago who guided me in the early years of my career. I am forever thankful for her guidance and did well when I listened to her. And as with most people, (ignorance is not predicated by youth) I did not listen & paid the price. She watched from a distance my career as I stood, stumbled, fell, got back up, sputtered, hid, felt sorry for myself, got back up, had a temper tantrum, cheered up, sold myself & my art short, got back up, trusted others far more then my own judgment, was played upon & preyed upon, got back up (again) and continue to create. One should be so fortunate to have had such a mentor. I also had a conversation with a woman who is about where I was 10 years ago. It was an unlikely relationship, strange bedfellows so to speak. She came around about a time when I was having a purging of it appears the last vestiges of whatever had been not holding me back but a quiet restraint from being all the Ms. Moon I had wanted to be.

In that month I found out something uncharacteristic of me which was finding myself angry no, envious of others whose careers took off about the same time mine had and who are still doing well where as I seem to never be able to despite lots of successes, to pull myself economically for very long mainly for all the afore mentioned reasons.

And I was envious...

Not jealous, people sometime confuse the two.

I did not want what they had or appear to have. I wanted what I wanted. I was simply angry & did not want to admit to myself why I could not seem to get it or hold on to it until I came to grip that I've done what many have done and that is thrown the proverbial monkey's wrench in the wheel.

And before anyone goes New Age/the Secret/the Promise or whatever new philosophy du jour on me tell your own story. I got this one covered...

Life has many circles some intertwining some not and we all do not reach the same place at the same time and some not at all. But all the movement does work in concert with one another and what we do is what we do.

This woman was a pebble in the slipper for me and serves as a great reminder of what I have indeed accomplished and how tremendously far I've come. One thing I did know for sure was that I am no where near where she is in her life. But I am thankful for the pebble in the slipper as it activated a huge spilling out of emotions I had held onto for a very long time. Decades long and when it spilled out it was a sight to behold. And calling it spilling was likening a spill to the waters of Lake Ponchatrain & the Mississippi “spilling” when the levees broke during Katrina.

And I survived it just like many, many did in Katrina. I can tell it from the way I move, to how I see things to even the way I dress.

She will be fine and so will I, just simply at different places & I have no desire to be there. It’s done & over. Our circles simply bumped up against each other, intertwined for a moment and floated away with me now knowing why she brought out so much anger in me. At no point is this about me feeling superior to her or removed from her struggle. To the contrary, I get her struggle. It is just not mine any more. So we will do lunch next week and laugh over what we liked about one another before I get about moving my circle to a different location where I need to be.
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