Way to (not) Fold~

" Comfort & prosperity have never enriched the world as mush as adversity has. Out of pain & problems has come the sweetest songs & the most gripping stories"~ Billy Graham


Then Mr. Graham I must be Mighty Mouse :=)


As I down in countdown mode for my pending surgery on August 11th & have been running to the hospital everyday for more pre-opt testing, I've had a lot of time sitting there observing other people and looking at myself in all of this.

I've gotten a LOT of "aren't you afraid?" to "how is your spirit today" to even being called by people who have not been exactly supportive or not believing the serious of my condition the last 2 years thinking "if she would ONLY lose some weight" etc when my issue for this surgery is NOT about my weight.

I suspect in some cases their may be some guilt or wanting to have a conscience cleared just in case... (just in case what?).

Because (I am thankful for this) I have a pretty intact, hard-earned level of self esteem, some see me as being without feelings or wanting for a moment to rest or have someone take care of ME for a change, which hasn't exactly been forthcoming. Yes I am strong but I am also very human with all the accompanying emotions.

Am I scared? What I would fear more is NOT having the surgery! My body will not withstand much more of where I a right now. For those who may not know I am NOT having batriatic surgery.

I have a very distended hernia that has been the bane of my existence. It has badly encroached on my other organs . It is most definitely not " just a hernia"

Back to topic:

Well I haven't exactly had the time to be afraid as I scurry fro one thing after another prepping for when I come home since I have little to no help available and I have to be able to function as if I do not.

I cannot afford to come home from major surgery and not be able to care for my basic needs as I recuperate let along any of the normal things that has to continue to be done. When things like this occurred I am very focused and so do know how to prioritize.

I do not have the energy or time to look to the right or to the left, so fear cannot be part of the program..Not now & perhaps not later. But it would be so nice to be cared for, but I have to take care of what I know needs to be done especially when you are operating from air, wish & a prayer.

Trust me when I say I absolutely will let things fold on the wayside as I heal...

I do indeed have a few people with offers.

One of my neighbors will care for my veggie & flower gardens while I am recoup-ping. Another friend who is coming to be with me the day of my surgery to advocate for me if something happens while I am unconscious. Another who will pick up my mail and another who will drive me to the hospital and bring me home afterward when they discharge me.

Still another not in the area who have stepped up paying my utility bills so I can have access to the outside world while I am still w/o income. Still yet, a few total strangers who have aided me the last few days at the hospital intervening when bureaucratic errors threatened my surgery with a cancellation.

Sometimes money is not required, just a little TLC & recognition of one's humanity is in order.

I am strong but not impervious to hesitation or angst. I am not concrete although unfortunately, some people think if you have emotional & spiritual strength somehow translate to unfeeling or being like concrete.

However it is to the contrary.

I have to trust people who I do not know from the surgeon to the anesthesiologist, to the nurse or the orderly to do their job well. I have to trust many people who are links to my health & well being that they will do their utmost to care for me at a time when I cannot care for myself.

And I have to trust (and I do) that all will be well in the final analysis...

...Now I just to have make sure that my laundry is done and my bed is prep to receive me the day I come home from the hospital... (Moon scribbles on her to do list)

I am looking forward to being able to stand upright and being able to resume walking (well) in a few weeks.

I am looking forward to being able to really handle my cause & care but personally & professionally without impediments.

I am looking forward to being able to put my shoes on w/o it being a major undertaking.

Of being able to laugh w/o having to hold my stomach because it hurts to much.

To be able to sit up and create without it physically hurting me.

To be able to viable in every sense.

As I have said the alternatives w/o the surgery is what I would be more afraid of. I am not looking forward to being alone in this though I won't be completely alone.

I expect I will have a moment of fear when it is time to roll me into the room, but I am expecting the cute surgeon with the great green eyes to be good at what he does & I will be just fine.

Take Your Foot Off the Gas for a Minute

Diana Prescott,photographer

Vacation is what you take when you can't take what you've been taking any longer.
- Lion from Wizard of Oz

Awareness through downshifting

Often our first reaction to a stressful situation is to overcompensate and overwork to overcome whatever it is. Sometimes though, the best thing you can do it step away, take a breath, and come back to tackle the problem with a clear head. Replacing important things in your life with work only causes anxiety to build up--not to mention that it takes the joy out of life. Vacation does not have to mean physically leaving your everyday life and jet setting to the beach.

Whatever relaxes you, brings more clarity, or calms your mind during times of stress can certainly be enough to rejuvenate! When logic tells you to quicken your pace and pile on the extra work, yet your heart is reminding you of the meaningful time you are neglecting with family, friends, and yourself, it's time to slow down.

Often letting off on the gas for a period of time can compose and refocus your mind.

When it is no longer Golden ©08

Cassia fistula -Golden Shower

I think we've all have had it happen at one time or another of someone or something that is absolutely bent on making you, the next door neighbor, the shoe shine man and anyone they come in contact with as miserable and shallow as they are.

You try forebearance, patience, humor, understanding, a dollop more of patience/compassion/humor, but their point is only to fill themselves up. And what they want to fill themselves up with is nothing they can get from you.

Or anyone else.

Their actions aren't from orignal thought, they have turn almost into an art form a manipulation, near parasitic urges to have what they could have all along if they had only looked inside themselves and work hard toward it.

But unfortuantely there is almost a spiritual laziness, looking for the easy out instead of good hard work. Its a laziness borne of hunger, spiritual malaise from being malnourished, too weak, so they think, to do something to restore themselves in a healthy way though unfortunately sometimes they do not get it until it is too late to be resurrected.

So what is one to do when one of these leech types threaten to suck the marrow out of their host?
There those times when you need to say clearly, enphatically & succintly to back off. There is no guarentee that they will, but you are setting a boundary in how far you will go to tolerate bad behavior. What you do after that depends greatly on the circumstance, your temperment and how willing you are to go.

But make note that many of these types of people are like a tree I understand is home to India called in its folk name "Golden Shower" It is a magnificent tree to look at with beautiful flowers blooming in abundance. But the Golden Shower trees is highly invasive and parasitic and once it takes root it is near impossible to eradicate. It will overgrow, smother any other plant that has the misfortune to be anywhere near, depriving the other plants of nutrients, water, sunlight and the ability to grow and prosper.

There are people that are like the Golden Shower tree. They will come along looking for a host to carry it to its next destination and once they get their roots growing they will invade until the other person figuratively die. That is if you let it or them suck the very air out of you. Remember it is necessary for them to have something to hold onto for life and energy and they will do whatever is necessary to grasp and hold on. Their very life in their eyes depends on it.

Unlike the Golden Shower Tree, these parasitic types can be uprooted and especially if you recognize it before it goes too far. I would suspect the majority of the times people who are invasive like this are not evil people. By no shape are they. The majority of the time they are very scared, lonely people who had another golden shower-like person to deprive them of necessary nutrients, water, air, light and the ability to grow. So they become stagnant, or dormant or stunted and truly on some level really do believe they can do it on their own.

And while you can have compassion for them, they are not a tree with no conscious thought or for that matter a conscience. They absolutely do have the ability to uproot and move out of the way so they can indeed grow. Unfortunatley they do not believe it and continue what they know.

So how far you go to grow and not allow them to suffocate you depends greatly on how or what they are doing matters to you. We all have to choose our battles and some things are far more important and outweigh any need to comtinue with them.

And then there are those times you have to make your position perfectly clear whether they heed it or not. Because it isn't for them, your stating your position. It is for you because one way or another they will move on, invade somewhere else until there is not left to suck dry.

Then in the end they are still what they had always feared the most.

The will be alone with themselves

And that is not cool

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